Reverend Steve's Christian Website


Catholic Jokes

 

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

 

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver,  "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!  And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.  The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

 

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

 

"I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.  "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

 

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

 

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop. 

 

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger." 

 

Chief: "Governor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger." 

 

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

 

Cop: "I think it's God!"

 

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

 

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

 

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A man decides he wants to become a monk so he goes to see the Abbot. The Abbot goes over what is required. The final requirement is to take a vow of silence.

"But," says the Abbot, "every ten years you may say two words."

The man agrees and joins the Abby. After ten years the Abbot calls him into his office and tells him he may say his two words.

"Bed hard," says the monk.

"Thank you for the information," replies the Abbot, "we will look into it."

Another ten years goes by and the man is again called into the Abbot's office to speak his two words.

"Food cold."

"Thank you," replies the Abbot again," we will look into it."

After the man has spend thirty years in the Abby he is again called into the Abbot's office to speak his two words.

"I quit."

"I'm not surprised," responded the Abbot, "you haven't done anything but complain since you got here."

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Two nuns went to baseball game. Their habits blocked the view of two men behind them in the stands so the men decided to have a little fun at the nun's expense.

 

The first man said, "I think we should move to Ohio. I understand there are not very many Catholics there."

 

The second man replied," No, we should move to Utah. There are hardly any Catholics there."

 

One of the nuns turned around and said, "You could go to Hell. There aren't any Catholics there."

Cute Kids Church Jokes

 

 

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

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3-year-old Reese :"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.

 

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A little boy was overheard praying:"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

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One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Daughter: "Why is everyone getting down on their knees in church?"
Mother: "Shhh, they are going to say their prayers."
Daughter: "With all their clothes on?"

InterChurch Jokes

How many _________ does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Atheists: None - Atheists don't believe in light.

Evolutionists: 1 - One to screw an empty shampoo bottle into the socket and then wait for it to evolve.

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A small town man was worried about driving across a large city so he called the local police and asked when was the safest time to cross the city would be.

After thinking for a moment the police Sgt. replied, "About ten o'clock Sunday morning. The Catholics are at Mass, the Protestants are at church, the Jews are on the golf course, and the atheists are shopping."

The man took the advice, but was hit be a Seventh Day Adventist late for work.

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Priest: Rabbi, when are you going to break down and eat ham?
Rabbi: At your wedding, Father.

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On one corner of a very small town were three churches, all of different denominations. One Sunday morning a passerby heard the first church singing, "Will There Be In Stars In My Crown?" The next church was singing, "No, Not One." and the third church was singing, "Oh, That Will Be Glory For Me."

Protestant Jokes

 

Three ministers were sitting around a table. They decided to draw strength from each other by each one sharing his greatest fault.
The first minister confessed, "I have an addiction to gambling and sometimes I dip into the offering plate."
The second minister said, "I admit that I have trouble with lustful thoughts."
The third minister shook his head sadly, "I must tell you, I am a terrible gossip."

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A minister delivered a sermon in half an hour one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. 
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, at
e that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." 
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,  "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!" 

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You Know Your Church Is Redneck If...

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

High notes on the organ set the dogs outside to howling.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by an elk call.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

When they learned that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks asked what kind of bait was used to catch 'em.

A member of the church requests to be buried in the 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir robes were donated by [and embroidered with the logo from] Billy Bob's Barbecue.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

Opening day of moose season is recognized as an official church holiday.

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

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A man attended a revival meeting at a local church. During the testimony time many people got up and testified along the lines of "The devil has been after me all week, but I got the victory."

In the middle of the meeting the man decided to slip out. As he was going down the front steps he was surprised to see the devil sitting on the steps crying.

"What are you crying?" he asked.

Between his sobs the devil responded, "Those people are accusing me of things I'm not guilty of!"

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A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he talked with the organist to see what kind of inspirational music she could play after the announcement about the finances to get the congregation in a giving mood. 

"Don't worry," she said. "I'll think of something."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." 

Just at that moment, the organist started playing the National Anthem.

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The church building committee passed the following resolutions:

1. We will build a new church.
2. We will use material from the old church in building the new church.
3. We will continue to use the old church until the new one is finished.

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A pastor was looking for ways to increase the finances for the church building program. He came up with the idea of wiring random chairs in the auditorium to an electric charge. He hooked up three different sets of chairs to three buttons on the pulpit.

The next Sunday morning, during the announcements, he said, "We need to raise some money for our building program. Who would like to give $10.00?"

He pressed the first button. Ten people shot to their feet.

"Thank you. Now who would like to give $100.00?"

He pressed the next button. Ten more people jumped up.

"We are doing well. Who would like to give $1000.00?"

He pressed the third button. Ten deacons were electrocuted.

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A local church was hosting a community choir sing. One of the lady's choirs was led by a respected conductor named Harry Butts. When it getting close to their turn, the announcer said, "Will all the women with Harry Butts come forward."

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Three famous preachers died, Billy Graham, Oral Roberts, and Robert Schuler. They were dismayed to discover that their deaths were a surprise to St. Peter and their mansions were not yet prepared. St. Peter asked them if they would be willing to wait down below while their mansions were being prepared. They agreed.

Two days later the devil called up St. Peter, "Haven't you got those mansions ready yet!" he demanded.

"Almost, what's the problem?"

"It's an uproar down here. Billy Graham is saving souls, Oral Roberts is healing the sick and Robert Schuler...he's raising money to air condition the place!"

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Minister at funeral service: "Friends, in this coffin is the body of our beloved departed one. It is only the shell, the nut has gone."

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The minister of a large church asked the secretary to put his topic on the bulletin board so that everyone could see what his next Sunday's sermon would be. He said, "My topic is 'Are Ministers Cracking Up?'"
The secretary put up the following announcement: Our Minister Is Cracking Up.

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The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left Sunday morning service. Most of the people were very generous in telling the new minister how they liked the message, except for one man who said, "That was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor."

In a few minutes the same man appeared again in the line and said, "I didn't think you did any preparation for your message, pastor."

Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, pastor."

Finally the minister could stand it no longer. He went over to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.


"Oh, don't let that guy bother you," said the deacon. "He is a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."

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After a funeral service a minister posted this notice on the church bulletin board: Brother Baker Departed For Heaven At 3:30 A.M.
The next day he found the following written below his announcement: Heaven, 8:00 P.M. - Brother Baker has not yet arrived. Great Anxiety.

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A preacher spoke 20 minutes on Isaiah, 20 minutes on Ezekiel, 20 minutes on Jeremiah, and 20 minutes on Daniel. Then he said, "We now come to the 12 minor prophets. What place will I give Hosea?"
A man in the back of the church said, "I'm leaving. Give Hosea my place."

 

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A church is a place to go to met nodding acquaintances.

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A visiting pastor at a country church asked on the farmers if he could use his barn to get away where it was quiet and study for his message. After several hours of study, the pastor left the barn for a walk. When he came back he discovered that the cow had eaten all of his sermon notes. The next day the farmer complained to the pastor that his cow had gone dry.

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A misprint in the church bulletin the Sunday before Christmas read: "Our adult choir will sing, 'I Heard The Bills On Christmas Day.'"

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A businessman happened to be staying in a hotel where a group of ministers was holding a conference. The next morning was very cold and as the businessman approached the dining room, he noticed the ministers gathered around a blazing log fire in the dining area. He was very cold and tried to get close to the fire but the ministers blocked the way. The businessman sat for a few minutes shivering in the cold. Suddenly he shouted, "Last night I dreamed I was in hell."
"Really?" said one of the ministers. "What was it like?"
The businessman replied, "Not much different than right here. I couldn't get near the fire for all the ministers in the way."

Bible Jokes:

Questions and Answers

Actual bloopers from church bulletins or announcements:

-The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

-The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

-Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

-Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

-Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

.-For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 -Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

-A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

-Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

-Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

-Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

-The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

-Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

-The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

-This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the ark across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door...

-The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

-Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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Questions And Answers

Q. How do we know God loves baseball?
A. He started the Bible with In The Big Inning

Q. Where is the first Bible mention of tennis?
A. Genesis - when Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q. Where is car racing first mentioned in the Bible?
A. In Exodus when Aaron dragged his rod across the desert.

Q. Who didn't have any parents?
A. Joshua the son of Nun.

Q. Who was the shortest man in the Bible?
A. Peter, who slept on his watch.

Q. Who was another short man in the Bible?
A. Nehemiah [Knee High Miah]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a Little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
B. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
C. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Q. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
A. In the Bible. It says . . 'He-brews'